I know, I know, I haven’t been updating much. At all for a long time. But I have found a wonderful place to go for support. You should check it out.
It is full of people just like us with the same kinds of problems like us. This group is growing everyday and just thought I would send that out to those of you who are still checking in to see how I am doing. So go on ahead and visit. You’ll be glad you did. 
Here lately, I haven’t posted anything. It’s not that I am hurting so bad I can’t. It’s because I am ok. Things are ok. Not great. But ok. I am still having “episodes” and “strikes”, just not so intense. Why? Well I am so doped that they are numbed a little and under control for the time being. I am still clumsy and forget things, but as far as the pain. I am ok. I can tolerate it.
I feel yucky, I am not so depressed. I think the meds are just dulling everything. Lots going on now, and I think that because I am so busy lately that I’m not paying as much attention to it. The pain. I am glad I got the medication going again. So for now I can be ok, a little clumsier and a little “off”. But Ok. Thank you Trileptal.
This is the way I feel today.
Sometimes, my mind feels like dirty laundry. Or a laundry basket. Most of the time I try to stay upbeat. I try to appear to be happy, its kinda hard though. You are full of yucky meds and kinda just here. All the fog in my head needs to be clear, but its better to be foggy than in pain. It’s kinda nice that I have the mornings to myself sometimes, that way I don’t have to answer questions and think too hard. Makes you not want to do anything, but you know you have to. You know you don’t want to, but that basket of laundry isn’t going to go away. It will grow if you let it. Same as feelings of despair. So you go on and do the things you need to. Like the friggin laundry.
Yep its Tuesday. I am sure it is. I don’t like this medication. Want to know why?? Well, because it makes me loopy. I don’t like being me. The pain is at bay, kind of. I still have half of my head sore. The whole left side feels like it is bruised. But I guess thats better than lightening stikes huh? Yea. Something tells me to enjoy today, because things aren’t getting better, just more… enduring? Endurable. Tolerable.
I also want to go outside and work in the yard. I will opt for laundry and vacuuming instead. I guess because that is what I am supposed to be doing anyway.
That is all I want to say for now.
Well, I am now back on medication, the right amount of mg’s. The right schedule. But I am back to being stupid and clumsy. More so than unmedicated.
They are working ok, I still have the feeling that I have a sensitive tooth though. However that can’t be. The tooth that feels that way is no longer there. It is a “Phantom” sensation I guess you’d call it. Anyway, the medication is helping a little. I still get some “shocks” every now and then. But the piercing, stabbing is at bay for the time being. Now, I am just dropping things again, running into doors, and trying really hard not to break anything. I am so far not getting the “blues” again.
I guess as long as things stay like this I should be ok for a while. I hate being like this. So far no one has said anything to me. Like, “whats the matter with you? are you on drugs?” I guess if they do, I am going to say, ” Oh you betcha, life is Grande!”… yep.
Here’s the thing. I am not the kind of person who likes to take pills. I don’t like to take aspirin. I can’t even spell it. I had to go look at a bottle to spell it correctly. I like to think I am a pretty good speller too. Anyway, I don’t like to take anything. It is a hassle, it is time consuming. And I just don’t like to do it. So being on a schedule to take these meds four times a day is really a chore for me. I have gotten back on track and am now keeping to the schedule. I write down when I take them. Example
Sat – 6:00 Am – 450mg
Sat – 12:00 Pm – 450mg
and so on…..
This way I know when the last time was, and when the next time is due. I hate this because if we want to go somewhere, I have in the back of my mind when I am next due, but being me, I still forget and get off track. But I am doing better on that, this week anyway.
I still don’t like it. But the pain is starting to recede again and things are kinda becoming ok again. I am still clumsy and still zoned out all the time. I used to get high a long time ago. But I quit because I didn’t like being paranoid. Now I am back stoned all the time. I take Trileptal. I have noticed it makes my legs feel funny at night. They feel like they are numb or are going numb. And get this, last night I must have been flailing my arms in my sleep, because I remember Bud grabbing my arm at one point. I asked him about that this morning. He said yea, I had been thrashing in my sleep and had already zonked him once in the face. I felt so bad, because I don’t usually do things like that. I usually don’t snore either, but I have been doing alot of that too. So once again, I am saying……
I hate to take medication!
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